Prayer of Lament

God,

Spiritual attack has burdened me so heavily that I have caved. My judgment has been lacking to say the least, and the passionate yearning and call upon my heart I felt after the Spirit rejuvenated me was utterly destroyed by my incompetence and willingness to fold to the enemy’s attacks. I have but one desire: to become cleansed. I desire the Holy Spirit so heavily in my life that I cannot think outside of it. I want my body to ache from movements outside of the Spirit. I want to be driven to tears when my mind isn’t wrapped in Your Glory. I desire for my heart to throb when I have become any less than overwhelmed by Your Son. I deserve nothing, because I seek you not. My words are foolish and filled with pride, because I have never been inside you completely. I have built walls around myself to the point that no human can attach themselves to me, and I have done worse to you, God. Even as I write this letter from my heart to yours, I have let pride enter my mind. I have not fully revealed the imbalance of my perception and I have certainly not let go of my grasp on sin. Or do I even hold sin? Does it hold me? Does it even matter as long as I am allowing it to win? I have not defended myself with scripture when Satan has waged his attacks. My prayers are monotonous and void, because I have said them all before. Where is my reality? Why can I no longer reach a point where I become “real?” Everything I say is manicured and revised to the point I have no conscious idea of what I have actually done to myself, to others, or to you. I am a hypocrite, because I retain my burdens and conceal my true thoughts. Even now I search my mind for words to say to make this note sound pretty to your ear. How fraudulent must I become before I take the God of the Universe seriously? How far down in this hole must I dig myself before I allow you to truly guide me? And I don’t want pretend guidance from a pretend God I have allowed my own desires to become. I seek true repentance; true leadership from a true God. You are the only one that can save me now. I have fooled myself with thoughts of my own wisdom. I have blinded others with my justifications for ignorance. I have no wisdom and my actions can be generally filed as sin and nothing more. Rip open my chest and do surgery within me. Never sew me up again, because I want others to see, not for my own benefit, but so they can see I could not do it by myself. Lead me back to you, oh God. Lead me back. Or perhaps lead me to you for the first time. I seek a lifestyle that screams assurance. Deep down I know I have it, but never have I let it show. I want to say the words “I love you,” and you know my heart at its most vulnerable of locations, but I feel quite conclusive that my actions should back it up, so for once let me show you I love you. God of the beginning, God of Israel, God the father, God the maker, God the King; speak to me.

Your Child