God,
Spiritual attack has burdened me so heavily that I have caved. My judgment has been lacking to say the least, and the passionate yearning and call upon my heart I felt after the Spirit rejuvenated me was utterly destroyed by my incompetence and willingness to fold to the enemy’s attacks. I have but one desire: to become cleansed. I desire the Holy Spirit so heavily in my life that I cannot think outside of it. I want my body to ache from movements outside of the Spirit. I want to be driven to tears when my mind isn’t wrapped in Your Glory. I desire for my heart to throb when I have become any less than overwhelmed by Your Son. I deserve nothing, because I seek you not. My words are foolish and filled with pride, because I have never been inside you completely. I have built walls around myself to the point that no human can attach themselves to me, and I have done worse to you, God. Even as I write this letter from my heart to yours, I have let pride enter my mind. I have not fully revealed the imbalance of my perception and I have certainly not let go of my grasp on sin. Or do I even hold sin? Does it hold me? Does it even matter as long as I am allowing it to win? I have not defended myself with scripture when Satan has waged his attacks. My prayers are monotonous and void, because I have said them all before. Where is my reality? Why can I no longer reach a point where I become “real?” Everything I say is manicured and revised to the point I have no conscious idea of what I have actually done to myself, to others, or to you. I am a hypocrite, because I retain my burdens and conceal my true thoughts. Even now I search my mind for words to say to make this note sound pretty to your ear. How fraudulent must I become before I take the God of the Universe seriously? How far down in this hole must I dig myself before I allow you to truly guide me? And I don’t want pretend guidance from a pretend God I have allowed my own desires to become. I seek true repentance; true leadership from a true God. You are the only one that can save me now. I have fooled myself with thoughts of my own wisdom. I have blinded others with my justifications for ignorance. I have no wisdom and my actions can be generally filed as sin and nothing more. Rip open my chest and do surgery within me. Never sew me up again, because I want others to see, not for my own benefit, but so they can see I could not do it by myself. Lead me back to you, oh God. Lead me back. Or perhaps lead me to you for the first time. I seek a lifestyle that screams assurance. Deep down I know I have it, but never have I let it show. I want to say the words “I love you,” and you know my heart at its most vulnerable of locations, but I feel quite conclusive that my actions should back it up, so for once let me show you I love you. God of the beginning, God of Israel, God the father, God the maker, God the King; speak to me.
Your Child
Monday, April 26, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Failure, etc.
I was reminded today of a passage I fell in love with when I first read it years ago. The passage is in Titus 3:3-7 and it reads like this:
"For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life."
Wow. I don't know if that clicks with you quite like it did for me, but that was just a radical awakening for my heart when I first read those words. It says things that we have always heard and have known since we accepted Christ in our life, yet it says it so powerfully. We fail nonstop. We wake up and fail. We go through our days failing miserably one thing after another. We seem to look for opportunities we can take to fail God even more monumentally than the afore. I don't get it. I don't know why I want to do the things I insistently do and I furthermore cannot fathom the love and grace that is wrapped around me in order for me to commit such felonous acts towards the gospel and still be rewarded with an heirship. I praise God with my tongue and curse men subsequently. Is there really a place for all my failure to reside? In fact, there is. I believe in the power of failure. I believe in using the foolish to make wise. I have fallen so many times in this life. I have dusted myself off only to fall short again. Through all my failures I never learned anything, until I actually depended on God. Used cloyingly or not, it was and is true for me. I do not discount the influence of my abominations for the poorer side of things on others lives. I wish that were not the case. I wish people could only see my heart and the feelings I have about my transgressions instead of seeing the everyday failing Reyn that is truly still trying, but will never hit that mark. My action has lacked, my worship has fallen short, my acts of kindness to others are at times fleeting. All that said, I have a desire to live out the second half of that passage; to show the world the mark for which I aim. Maybe I will get there, more than likely not, but one thing is for sure: I am an heir to a kingdom beyond this world, and I will strive to live like I am more and more each day.
"For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life."
Wow. I don't know if that clicks with you quite like it did for me, but that was just a radical awakening for my heart when I first read those words. It says things that we have always heard and have known since we accepted Christ in our life, yet it says it so powerfully. We fail nonstop. We wake up and fail. We go through our days failing miserably one thing after another. We seem to look for opportunities we can take to fail God even more monumentally than the afore. I don't get it. I don't know why I want to do the things I insistently do and I furthermore cannot fathom the love and grace that is wrapped around me in order for me to commit such felonous acts towards the gospel and still be rewarded with an heirship. I praise God with my tongue and curse men subsequently. Is there really a place for all my failure to reside? In fact, there is. I believe in the power of failure. I believe in using the foolish to make wise. I have fallen so many times in this life. I have dusted myself off only to fall short again. Through all my failures I never learned anything, until I actually depended on God. Used cloyingly or not, it was and is true for me. I do not discount the influence of my abominations for the poorer side of things on others lives. I wish that were not the case. I wish people could only see my heart and the feelings I have about my transgressions instead of seeing the everyday failing Reyn that is truly still trying, but will never hit that mark. My action has lacked, my worship has fallen short, my acts of kindness to others are at times fleeting. All that said, I have a desire to live out the second half of that passage; to show the world the mark for which I aim. Maybe I will get there, more than likely not, but one thing is for sure: I am an heir to a kingdom beyond this world, and I will strive to live like I am more and more each day.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Holy Spirit???
This past Sunday (Easter), I met with my small group which meets every Sunday. However, this time we went to Greensburg to a spot on my uncle's land which has three gorgeous crosses on a knoll. I was set on talking about dating and looking for a Godly wife this Sunday, since some of our group had wanted to discuss it, and because honestly, who doesn't think about it? That is what I was set on, but God changed my mind. I don't want to sound like the cliches I have heard millions of times before about preachers showing up to a revival and remarking how God had totally changed their sermons against their wills only moments before. I am not discounted that it happens, I just don't want to sound like a broken record. However, I, myself was sitting in our church service Sunday morning happy as could be (Easter is my favorite), when I came to the realization that just any subject wouldn't suffice for this Easter day small group. No, I had to talk of something far more special to this divine occasion. I wanted to talk about the Easter story, but in a way we don't typically think of it. This is when I recalled what I read only days before from Francis Chan's new book "Forgotten God: Our Tragic Neglect of the Holy Spirit."
Many times we remember the death, burial, and resurrection of Christ as the Easter story. This is true. However, we also need to remember that this was also the first occasion we receive the Holy Spirit; even more of a reason for celebration! John 14:12 says that we will be able to do greater things after Christ rose, because of the Holy Spirit's guidance and power. Back in John 14:16, God's word tells us "another Helper" was given to us after Christ left the earth. The Greek translation for "another" in this instance meant just like the first. Chapter 16 verse 4 through 11 even says that it was to our advantage that Christ leave us, so the "Helper"could come to us.
My question is this: do we take God's word as absolute truth in all areas? We should. And if we do, we should realize that all the promises about the Holy Spirit are true and we have supernatural abilities to follow Christ now with the Helper. Chan said in his book that if you were told God inhabited a person and gave them a supernatural ability to play basketball, you would surely expect that person to be able to do some amazing things on the court. If you saw no change, then you would highly doubt the sincerity of their statement. We have a supernatural ability to serve Christ because the Holy Spirit inhabits us. Why do we not seem any different to the naked eye? Rejoice in this week following Easter knowing that not only has Christ risen, but we now have help through the Spirit. Also, let us see if we can't put our supernatural abilities to practice this week.
Many times we remember the death, burial, and resurrection of Christ as the Easter story. This is true. However, we also need to remember that this was also the first occasion we receive the Holy Spirit; even more of a reason for celebration! John 14:12 says that we will be able to do greater things after Christ rose, because of the Holy Spirit's guidance and power. Back in John 14:16, God's word tells us "another Helper" was given to us after Christ left the earth. The Greek translation for "another" in this instance meant just like the first. Chapter 16 verse 4 through 11 even says that it was to our advantage that Christ leave us, so the "Helper"could come to us.
My question is this: do we take God's word as absolute truth in all areas? We should. And if we do, we should realize that all the promises about the Holy Spirit are true and we have supernatural abilities to follow Christ now with the Helper. Chan said in his book that if you were told God inhabited a person and gave them a supernatural ability to play basketball, you would surely expect that person to be able to do some amazing things on the court. If you saw no change, then you would highly doubt the sincerity of their statement. We have a supernatural ability to serve Christ because the Holy Spirit inhabits us. Why do we not seem any different to the naked eye? Rejoice in this week following Easter knowing that not only has Christ risen, but we now have help through the Spirit. Also, let us see if we can't put our supernatural abilities to practice this week.
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